There are a vast number of self-awareness practices from various cultural traditions. Most of those practices essentially teach us to work with our minds, and slowing down so we can see the current of our thoughts and emotions. Sometimes we notice that our experiences aren’t solid or fixed, they come and go, and the intensity shifts. Maybe we start to notice that thoughts and emotions arise in a dependent way, on our moods or our environment. We might also notice that we have attachments to things turning out the way we want them to, and struggle to avoid things we don’t want. We want to be happy. How we find happiness is an age-old question. Author and Acceptance and Commitment Therapist Russ Harris does as a nice job of addressing this in his book, The Illustrated Happiness Trap.
The hedonic pursuit of happiness means that happiness is a state of feeling that we pursue, and it’s something external to ourselves. This has its problems because it doesn’t last very long and it requires us to keep pursuing more of it as we grow bored with those very things we thought would finally allow us to be happy. Another definition is eudaemonic, and refers to producing and attaining happiness by pursuing things in our lives that are in alignment with our values. Living a rich and meaningful life. Values might include things like being kind, caring, helpful, honest or courageous. There isn’t a right list. Also, values run both ways. Caring also means self-care and caring for others. We might have the value to be caring. We might have a goal to buy a house as an act of caring for our family. Maybe the goal is out of reach but we can act in caring ways toward our family and others. In that way, we are successful and our lives are meaningful.
We judge ourselves and compare ourselves to others, often negatively, or sometimes in an excessively positive way. Certain biological theories say it is our brain’s natural way of keeping us safe and part of the group. But if we are seeing things properly, we start to notice that everyone is in the same boat. Everyone has their emotional problems. Real life problems are inevitable, and no one is free of them. Still, we get hooked by our harsh self-judgments, comparisons, and our stories of not being good enough. The narratives are part of being human, we all do it. But the difficulty isn’t the story by itself, it is how we get hooked by the stories we make, and when we do – how they pull us away from value guided behaviors that make our lives meaningful.
One of the advantages of self-awareness is to notice when we are hooked by our stories. We need to be aware of what is hooking us in order to keep it from jerking us around. Then we can more easily learn the skills to do the things that make our lives meaningful. It is an odd paradox, those things that are most meaningful to us bring us the most joy and pain. Pursuing meaningful things requires that we make room for and allow for discomfort, difficult thoughts and emotions, doubt and fear. It is a practiced skill. And actually, a life without a broad range of emotions would make for a pretty depressing life.
A central requirement in all this is to treat ourselves kindly while we experience these normal ranges of human emotions. We might have objections to this such as, “That’s weak, I can’t let my guard down.” The research is solid though. Learning to respond to ourselves in kind ways, as we go through all these normal human thoughts and emotions develops flexibility. Flexibility to act on behaviors that align with our values, whether we have already been attending to them or are remote from them. If you are feeling remote from a value, it means it’s still important you.
May you be happy.
Written by Sergio Gutierrez, LCSW, BCBA
Clinical Social Worker, Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services
Sergio Gutierrez earned his Master’s degree in Social Work from Southern University in New Orleans, Louisiana. He is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and has over 24 years of professional experience in a variety of clinical settings. He is a Clinical Therapist with Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services, and provides therapy on an Outpatient basis at Pine Grove. Gutierrez also treats patients with Forrest Health’s Employee Assistance Program, (EAP.) He is a member of the National Association of Social Workers and is a Board Certified Behavior Analyst with specialty training in autism. He is a field supervisor and has served as an Adjunct Professor for The University of Southern Mississippi School of Social Work.
